Satan reports to God…

If you read what I’ve written up until now, you probably dismiss me as something of a crackpot and I probably would dismiss what I’ve said too.

I’ve written about Satan and the effect that I believe he has on many things in daily life and significant events; however there’s of course a flaw in my theory; where’s God in all of this?

Well He is where He always is; He’s up in Heaven watching. Satan doesn’t do anything beyond what God lets him do. God lets him do all sorts of things however, Satan runs this world because God said so.

So…lets take a look at this.

In my own case, I was a Christian and found it extremely odd that I could have this torment that I was experiencing at the same time. Satan had a strategy with me; he pretended he was God.

…and God let him.

How can that happen?

Well, we make a lot of assumptions about God. We believe that God has some sort of duty or obligation to take care of us on this earth. He doesn’t HAVE to though, and that’s the point.

God is concerned about Souls in Heaven; earth could be a great place if you are blessed by God, however that is simply an option and not anything that God is required to do. He more than willing to let people suffer on earth and call it a test for Heaven. God requires that He be first, if He’s not He will eventually (or in my case not eventually at all) force you into a decision.

God or the world? Take your pick…

I was told by a voice, a voice I was under the assumption was God, to give my 2 children away. 2 kids that I had custody of and had raised myself for years. And you know what? I did it. I gave them to their mom, because a voice told me to.

Now I don’t have to define for anyone how sick that is; but when you believe it’s the Holy Spirit prompting you to do something and you don’t do it, things get rather intense.

Later, after this was all done, my pet voice told me some other things and those things wound up not being the truth. Then based on a verse in Hebrews stating that it is impossible for God to lie, I realized that I was dealing with something completely different than what I thought I was. It was either my own psychosis or it was Satan.

That did nothing to solve the problem though; I had signed away custody of my own children. This is where Christianity gets turned into a weapon. Jesus said if someone asks you for your coat, to give it to them. Jesus told the Rich Young Ruler to give away everything he owned…or else!

What if someone came to your door and asked you for your house?

What if someone came to your door and asked you for your kids?

I’ll tell you, in my case, I never got my kids back. God never cared what happened to me. He could have, but He isn’t required to. He isn’t required to prevent it, and isn’t required to give you something or someone back to replace what’s gone. It’s His option, and His alone.

Shame on me for being so gullible, and I won’t argue that. Christianity messes with people’s minds though in how extreme it capably can be, and also the madness of realizing that Satan actually reports to God. Here’s some examples:

Satan walks up to God and tells Him basically that Job only cares about God because Job’s been blessed. God could truly care about Job’s life and tell Satan “No” and to go away; however instead God takes the possibility seriously and tells Satan that he can do all sorts of nasty things to Job; but he can’t kill him.

So that’s what happens. Job loses riches, loses cattle, actually LOSES HIS CHILDREN all under this dare that Job will stay faithful to God through this suffering.

Then, when Job basically tells God “this sucks”, God goes on pretty much of a rampage. Tells Job everything that He has done and is capable of, and to paraphrase He pretty much tells Job that “I’m God, I can do anything I want…too bad. “

Job passes the test, doesn’t curse God and gets double of everything back. Well, not really everything. Kids aren’t like weebles, you don’t replace one with another one. His kids that died, died. When it was the birthday of one of Job’s kids, I’m sure he still grieved even though he had new kids. So yes, God did take Job’s kids from him and they didn’t come back.

Notice something else in the story of Job though. God told Satan what he could do, and WHAT HE COULDN’T DO. Satan couldn’t say F*** you God, I’m going to kill him anyways. When God set a limit, it was followed. Satan reports to God, there’s no other way to reason that point…I mean what if Satan defied God; if you were Satan wouldn’t you say something to the effect of “Or what, you’re going to throw me in Hell?” Notice, he didn’t say that at all.

Now the notion of God treating people with respect and fairness. One of the ways in which people seem geniunely befuddled about God is in the notion of not being able to comprehend John 3:16 vs. Romans 9:13.

John 3:16 is “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

Romans 9:13 says that Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.

Athiests just love this stuff, because God is a hypocrite, right?

Well no it’s actually pretty simple. God promises everyone the chance at eternity. Choose Jesus, choose Salvation; keep God first in your heart, love your neighbor as yourself and you go to Heaven.

No exceptions. Pharoah, Judas, every person that ever has or ever will live gets that same promise of Jesus and eternal life. No one is damned to Hell, it’s punishment for not choosing God and everyone has the option.

And yes, I know all about the elect and the elect is a SPIRIT that will not let those imbued stray from God or the truth. It’s like winning the lottery, virtually no one has that spirit, for the rest of us it’s our own free will, it’s the equivalent of having an angel inside of you that won’t let you wander too far from God. To those people, they get the full actual truth. Heaven matters, life doesn’t. Period, the end.

The rest of us have to choose that, with help maybe but we don’t have the angel that won’t let us walk away. How many people are the elect? Well let’s see, once upon a time God killed off everyone on earth except Noah and his family, so obviously there weren’t very many elect walking around back then. Plus, if this was all pre-ordained why would God be mad at people? It’s His own fault for Him not putting more elect on earth. Right? No, man has free will for the most part…

So Salvation, meaning Jesus Christ and Heaven, is a viable promise that applies to everyone as representative of God’s love.

So how could God hate?

He hates behaviors as all of us already know, He hates people by mistreating them on EARTH.

How did God hate Esau? He told Rebekkah before either Jacob or Esau was born that Esau would serve Jacob. Against custom. Against the rules of the land.

He did not say Esau couldn’t be saved. He did not say Esau wouldn’t be blessed even, but Jacob was getting something Esau was entitled to. God was abusing Esau, he was mistreating him intentionally, He was hating Esau. He doesn’t say “so what”, He comes right out and says “I hate you”. On earth…

Jacob flat out lies to his father to get Esau’s birthright, God looks the other way. God’s will came to pass through Jacob breaking one of God’s commandments. At Esau’s expense.

Then afterwards, God sends an angel to wrestle with Jacob and clean him up of his deceitful nature; but God doesn’t give Esau the birthright, does He? Jacob keeps it, God’s will came from sin. That’s how Esau was hated, God’s basically being enough of a man to acknowledge that and also to warn everyone in Romans 9 that He does have the capability to allow people to be mistreated on earth for His own purposes. Now of course God doesn’t tempt sin, so who did? Ding ding, Satan did. Satan works for God.

Now let’s look at Jesus and Judas. Do you think Satan understands what Jesus purpose on earth is? Of course! So why does Satan enter Judas to have him betray Jesus? Isn’t that sort of a stupid thing for Satan to do?

Why doesn’t Satan jump into Judas, have him run a thousand miles in the other direction and then drown him in a lake? Anything to keep scripture from being fulfilled.

No that’s not his strategy, because there doesn’t seem to be any option. What if Judas said no to betraying Jesus? What if Pilate said no? Would God have just shrugged and said “Oh well, maybe later”. It’s obvious that this had to happen, and if anything Satan’s only real effort came in trying to stop Jesus from actually pulling it off.

Satan reports to God…he does what God lets him do.

Happy Thanksgiving

Have a great holiday…

Satan and JFK-Part 4

“OK, OK, so you had problems as a teenager and left home like about eleventy billion other kids do, so what”, you say with voice steadily rising…

Well, it’s called “Honor your Father and Mother”.

I know that ultimately we aren’t supposed to take sin all that seriously, everyone does it and the all loving fluffy easter bunny of a God doesn’t really care and we all grow up and then we have our own kids and now we’re on the parent side and that of course equals repentance, right?

Maybe, but maybe not…

What Satan figured out in his Rock and Roll laboratory, is that he could get kids to rebel against authority through pop culture and rock and roll.

Cool, you say, but so what. Then those kids grow up, they have kids, then they are parents and are forgiven for what they did when they were young.

Hmmm, what to do, what to do…

Here’s an idea, get those kids to rebel against their parents and against authority, use innocence and hurt and a dead president and puppy dog Beatlemania to get the whole thing going, then send those same kids off to a war that they don’t want to fight in so that their rebellion has a “nobel” cause…then let them die on a battlefield that way.

Satan + JFK + Beatlemania + Vietnam + “Peace” = Souls in Satan’s pocket.

See, here’s the thing. You can talk all you want about the CIA, or FBI, or Secret Service; Texas Oil or Cubans or the Mob, or even Oswald acting alone and a lot of the theories have bits and pieces that make sense. I do know a bit about the JFK assassination in reality and there’s still plenty of questions that lead to a potential conspiracy, and a definite cover up of relevant information relating to the assassination.

But whether it’s a seedy group in a mahogony shaded room making “power” deals that somehow caused this, or just one guy who was unstable, there was someone behind the scenes that definitely stood to profit from this.

Satan had a legitimate motive to kill JFK…

It’s a plot that didn’t start with JFK, it’s an evolution of one. The same way he used racism to kill off so many on battlefields in the Civil War, and then that president happened to get assassinated afterwards too.

Whenever Satan can cause a conflict that will cost the lives of those that verifiably are separated from God on just one key point, he wins souls.

I will be the first to point the finger at myself and say “well he’s insane”, but I’m telling you beyond a shadow of a doubt in my mind that I know Satan operates at this level.

Satan killed JFK…to win souls.

 

Satan and JFK-Part 3

So you may ask (or may not) how I got involved with this subject, the subject of Satan’s manipulation of world and local events. Besides just being nuts I mean…

Well, when I was a kid, I went to church every Sunday, and had actually trained to be a minister. I was pretty good at it too, actually preached sermons in a couple of different churches as a teenager.

I did this because I got hooked up with this youth Preacher training institute through a youth group.

However, I also loved my music. And as we all know, most Christian music sucks.

So, my Mom just so happened to get involved with this Satan, Rock Music thing, I wound up getting an earful on it myself and was told about all of the Satanic backward masking, blah, blah, blah that’s in Rock Music.

Well, I already wasn’t really the most obedient kid around, for someone going to church and all that, and the end result of this excursion into Satan and Rock Music is that my Mom basically banned all secular music in our house, or from any of us listening to it anywhere.

WHOA!

BRAKES!!!

I personally thought the whole Satan Rock music thing was funny and mostly a joke, but once this happened, I was out the door and moved in with my Dad, so in spite of my not really believing that Satan did anything through Rock Music, Satan absolutely did use Rock music to get someone out of the fold…me.

more to come…

More on JFK

Among the other theories given to me since my post of folks that had a hand in JFK’s death.

-Nabisco
-The Rich
-People around Philadelphia

They’re all in on it I guess…

The JFK Conspiracy…

Oh I know who killed JFK. And it’s probably not the answer you expect to read.

Satan did it…

I know I know, you’re disappointed.

It has to be Oswald, or the CIA, or Texas Oil or LBJ or the Mafia, yada, yada, yada.

Except I’m not kidding…Satan killed JFK.

Who did he use to do it, well I’m as clueless as everyone else on that one. It could be any of the above, or a combination. Who would I put my money on besides Oswald? The dead SS agent, that was later turned into a reporting mistake. Easy deduction, although I don’t claim that it’s the truth or anything, in spite of my wild Satan accusation I still like to deal in common sense, its just hypothesis.

That pet theory is simply that if there was indeed a second gunman, he probably would have had a life expectancy of about 5 minutes given that Oswald didn’t last 2 days. That notion somehow seems to escape most people; but if a second gunman existed, I think he would have been gunned down within the first few minutes and that always could have been blamed on Oswald too, given that there was also a story about the same time of the day about Oswald getting into a station wagon and then that story, like the SS agent story, changed around the same time of the afternoon. Obviously that would have been the precaution in case someone actually saw the “SS agent” gunned down…just blame it on Oswald too.

I don’t mean real SS mind you, I mean Military intelligence from the 112th that was called SS later. There was an SS roster for that day and it certainly doesn’t appear to have been any of them, but of the 8 to 12 Military Intelligence people that were there that day from Sam Houston, the same outfit that had an extensive file on Oswald and who in fact called in much information on him by 1PM that afternoon, those names have never surfaced…don’t you think it’s kind of weird that the Department of Defense never said who was there that day; shouldn’t they have tried pretty hard to find out? James Powell from that unit just so happened to be in Dealey Plaza also that day, and he wasn’t even on duty!

Out of all the theories that are out there, common sense says to me that it’s that group that would have been the most likely if there actually was a conspiracy.

Regardless, I’m talking about who really drove the assassination, regardless of who pulled the trigger. Satan did.

Here’s why.

You’re gonna have to hear me out on this, don’t dismiss me quite yet.

I’m gonna detail a fairly simple premise as to why this happened and then go back and examine in more detail.

Satan had a new toy to play with, a new tool in the winning of souls. Pop culture and more to the point, Rock and Roll.

A tool that he could use to generate rebellion in young people. He probably initially saw the reaction of the Sinatra folks, but WWII was most likely a very nobly fought war with people that had by and large retained Christian values.

Rock and Roll, Elvis and the 50s? Not so much. Not because of Rock and Roll itself really, but just the general notion of rebellion against standing values and authority, especially between kids and their “square” parents.

That was the seed right there…that rebellion and the temporary breaking of one of God’s commands “Honor your Parents” drove young people away from Christianity. Not necessarily Church, and not to the point that they were really bad people, but an idol had been introduced that threatened the traditional parent/child relationship.

So what, you say.

Absolutely right too, it’s all harmless and those kids grew up, repented, had kids of their own and everything was fine.

That’s Satan’s problem.

And here was the answer to that problem. Don’t let the kids grow up.

Elvis is the primary icon of the 50′s, there are a few others, some of which died in a plane crash in 1959. An interesting series of events happen during about a one-year-span. A new President is to be elected, a very crooked politician is selected to be the VP candidate, Elvis goes into the armed forces and The Beatles are born.

Now the early 60′s with JFK, minus the bay of pigs and the Cuban Missile Crisis, is as sweet and innocent of a time as you can fathom for most Americans. And the same goes for the music too, really. It’s Camelot. There is certainly an underground movement, figuratively led by Bob Dylan, that involves sort of a protest of sorts, but it’s more of an intellectual actualization movement at this point to go along with the burgeoning Civil Rights movement that is going to plant the seeds of disillusionment soon enough.

And just as The Beatles start climbing the mountain in England and now approach their journey to America, JFK is killed. The same day that The Beatles 2nd Album is released. Now, maybe you don’t see innocence as a tool of Satan, but the loss of innocence sure is.

The Country is grieving just as Beatlemania takes over in America. A perfect storm.

LBJ takes over as President, reverses Kennedy’s wish to have 1,000 advisors withdrawn from Vietnam by Christmas of 1963 and this is the hatching of the real plan.

Vietnam + “Peace” = Souls

Come again?

Beatlemania takes hold in ’64 and lasts through ’65. The kids have their idols. This stays comparatively wholesome throughout 1964 to ensure LBJ gets re-elected to keep the power structure in place, but during the time leading up to the election The Beatles had occasion to meet Bobby Dylan and started to turn on to political activism, and the psychedelic movement. The Beatles keep their innocence mostly intact through ’65 during the British invasion but the perfect storm is leading into 1966 and America is about to change forever…

As Vietnam starts to escalate in 1966, Beatlemania turns into the Peace movement. The Beatles themselves help this along with first their aptly named Rubber Soul and more importantly their Revolver album. This has the effect of turning the “Peace” and Psychedelic movements from a fringe element of 60′s youth and brings it into the mainstream.

By 1967, you have a full fledged war in Vietnam and a generation motivated by “Peace”, but if you examine it more closely you’ll realize that the Peace movement isn’t exactly a Christian movement. The 60′s generation is fueled by Rock and Roll and rebellion of authority. This isn’t for one second to say that the 60′s kids are “bad”, there are a lot of great ideals and legitimate protest fueling their attitude; but keep in mind Satan only needs to get God off the throne and for 60′s youth, God was not No. 1, the Peace movement was, regardless of who stood in the way.

Vietnam + “Peace” = Souls

In 1968, another group of events happen to fuel anger and protest even more. Martin Luther King Jr. is assassinated, then Robert Kennedy, and then it’s Richard Nixon in the White House.

Now, again people look to groups like the CIA or whoever as the party responsible when they dream of conspiracies, and in reality any group or even individual can be manipulated by Satan to accomplish that so I don’t dismiss that or endorse it.

However consider this: The motivation for race riots, other riots, etc. is to fuel hatred that winds up resulting in death for some. And certainly keeps young America separated from God. Nixon is clearly a better war choice than Bobby Kennedy. But now as the 60′s movement starts to zenith, the Yardbirds very quietly break up and a new band is formed-A band led by someone who purportedly is quite fond of Satan, Jimmy Page and Led Zeppelin.

They’ll start rolling, and change America in a whole different way, right around the time that Nixon gets elected. Very impeccable timing I must say. The point, is that Led Zeppelin takes the Rolling Stones attitude of “bad on purpose” to an entirely different level.

Why?

Well because there is a risk of the Peace movement getting the better of a new President, and we can’t have that now can we. So a new movement starts though Zep that doesn’t even give the illusion of being “right” or on the good side, these guys are bad and they like it that way. This attitude becomes the 70′s. Satan is trying to diffuse the Peace movement by turning the 70′s generation away from protest and towards outright rebellion.

Don’t believe me?

Look at 1969-1970. Chappaquiddick, which only the delusional believe is anything more than Kennedy’s own misstep so that rules out all of the usual conspiracy suspects, but certainly not Satan. Then Janis Joplin, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, The Beatles breakup, etc…and a good chunk of the 60′s movement was torn apart.

Protest is still going strong in 1970 of course, but someone is certainly trying to diffuse the movement towards ending the war.

The result; maybe not what Satan hoped for but 50,000 Americans lost their lives and a lot of people that otherwise would have grown up, matured and became soldiers for God and for good, never did.

Yes, you could apply that to a couple of towers in New York too, in fact I think someone actually showed their face around 9:03AM on that one. That one took a few thousand more lives and fueled much more hatred.

What’s next? Well part of that perfect storm in the 50′s and 60′s was the rise of the civil rights movement; MLK died in 1968 along with RFK and coincidentally the Jackson 5 rose right alongside Led Zeppelin in 1968. What’s the driving force of this decade? Hip-Hop. Who’s the new President? Who just died in June? Who doesn’t want racism to end?

CIA? Freemasons?

Who taught them? He’s more sophisticated than you think…

The night I met Satan…

It was June 15th, 2003. I was driving down the highway on my way back home from Michigan.

I had just finished essentially telling God off, that I really didn’t want to have any part of what I imagined He had planned for me. I was a Christian and a regular churchgoer at the time but I was really having issues with starting to “hear” things.

I’m driving down the highway, two kids in my truck, and I literally felt something come inside of me. I gasped and then, as if a nerve or something in my hip had been touched suddenly started shaking.

The next thing I knew, every single thing that was happening around me and inside the vehicle had taken on a completely different characteristic. It was if something inside of me was being literally pulled into a different dimension. Suddenly I found myself aware of license plates, especially vanity plates and what was written on them.

Suddenly every song and every word on the radio seemed to have some sort of other meaning, like it was specifically designed for me.

My kids certainly noticed that I started to drive very erratically, I didn’t know what was going on but it was as if there was something else inside of me suddenly that had taken control over my thought process and now everything started to function at this “different” level.

Bear in mind, at the time I had no history of mental health problems and was not seeing any psychologist…

By the time I finally made it home, I told my now shaken kids to go to bed and said goodnight, and went down into my basement.

Then I heard “the voice”. It was without question the scariest voice I had ever heard. I actually assumed at the time that it was the Holy Spirit, and man was I frightened.

The voice said, “I am going to destroy you”.
I was so shaken by this time that I literally laid down in a ball on my basement floor, as this voice kept talking to me. “You will be covered with maggots” it said, “I will turn your life into a nightmare”. “Scorpions will sting you, you’ll wish you had never been born.”

I actually went to sleep right there on the basement floor, absolutely terrified.

I was working second shift at the time and called a minister over the next morning. I sat in my living room and told him what had happened. He immediately realized that I was not making this up and looked around the street outside my house and said “Something is evil here, there’s something really wrong”.

For the next hour, he prayed for me, prayed to remove whatever it was that had been tormenting me.

Then right afterwards, I left to go to work. Driving down a perfectly good road, with nothing on the street, suddenly both of my front tires blew on my truck. They didn’t just go flat, they both blew with a bang.

I called a wrecker and made it back to my house to get my other vehicle and take it to work. I got a a few miles farther and bang, both of my back tires blew.

That’s when I knew this was serious…

My revenge…

This blog will be my revenge for roughly 31 years of psychological torment.

So, keeping in mind that to date I have three major disorders; severe depression, Psychosis and DID (I won’t keep saying that but I’ll say it one more time), I’m gonna detail what I’ve come to discover about life, Heaven and Hell, God and Satan and how it all fits together in this blog.

My primary motive, is to out both Satan and maybe even God up to a point, as to what I believe they actually do every day in the grand scheme of things.

Given that I am admittedly not the most stable person on earth, I simply leave it to the reader to decide whether I know what I’m talking about or not.

First, to any athiests out there. You’re going to be on fire one day. Just know that. Most people haven’t seen these beings. I have. Most people desire an intellectual argument, I have personal experience. They’re all quite real…

So, over the course of this blog I’m going to charge Satan with a whole truckload of stuff. He’s responsible for JFK, 9/11, Elvis, and 4 blown tires over 2 vehicles one afternoon after a minister prayed trying to intercede on my behalf.

First, and I cannot emphasize this strongly enough, demons have the ability to enter people whenever they want.

I’m not kidding about this, I will defend this point to any psychologist anywhere and already have to a few; demons can control thoughts and can control speech. Not to say people don’t have free will, not to say they do it consistently, but I am absolutely convinced that demons either reside inside of everyone, or can “jump in” whenever they see fit.

God meanwhile can place limits upon any activity of a demon and/or order them out of people completely.

Demonic possession is not a biblical thing; it’s not the exorcist or paranormal activity, they are in people driving behaviors whenever they want, as long as God doesn’t say no.

So my revenge, through this blog, will be to expose that. And what they are up to…

Fact or Fiction?

Yep, it’s the truth…

Suicide: No Quarter Pounders in Hell

My glasses had turned to dust…

I laid in bed, gradually regaining control; and I needed to make a choice. When you suffer from dissociative identity disorder, there’s this risk…that some event will make the “other” person take over. And if the event is bad, who knows. And having severe depression and being psychotic only adds to the stew.

I was in a cabin on top of a hill in Pennsylvania, with 2 empty bottles of sleeping pills at my side; and as I was coming to I reached for my glasses, while something in my room hummed like a machine. My glasses had turned to dust, I was dying. Did I want to?

I thought, well maybe I could make myself throw up, but then gave up and chose not to. I was OK with dying.

The girl I loved, the girl I wanted to spend my life with, was marrying someone else and I had just found out. It was over for me…

Now I’m going to die. I laid in bed, strangely satisfied that I had the guts to do it. I was about to see God, and man before he threw me into hell I was gonna let him have it. I was actually looking forward to it. I was looking at my iPod. “What’s a good song to die to” I wondered.

I was sick, I knew I was sick. I had been seeing Psychologists for awhile. It was here in Lancaster, one of my favorite places on earth, that I was diagnosed with mental illness. While somehow having to perform a very difficult job every day. And the truth was, I loved my life.

But everything that had come to life in my heart, had been because of her. She’s the one. And she’s marrying someone else.

I got the call, was told, and then sort of blacked out. I have hazy memories, of trying to buy a gun. Of going to a pharmacy, of buying two bottles of sleeping pills and then taking them.

And now here I am, dying. I guess I’ve chosen not to do anything about it. There isn’t anything coming into my mind that tells me I want to live, I’m actually looking out at the sky, in defiance as if to say “See, You built me this way. You cost me her to begin with.”  Was it God’s fault or Satan’s? I’ll find out pretty quickly. I’ll find out where all these voices started coming from. I’ll find out where this torment came from.

I hear voices. I have been for awhile now. I hear them in meetings. I hear them in my car. I hear them when I’m in line at the store. When other people talk, it’s demonic possession taking them over to make them say what he wants them to say. I have dozens of people that work for me, they have no idea what I go through every day. Actually, a couple do know but only because I told them. Their boss is nuts. But I’m a nice guy and do my job well if I do say so myself.

Is it my own sick mind, or am I possessed. By a demon pretending to be God that told me to let her go. A demon I believed. A demon that told me to let my own kids go. Pretending to be God. Or was it me? I’m sick, how would I know? But I’m about to find out. As soon as this life is over…

I’m still awake, but getting more tired. Something inside of me is saying you can change this. But I’m torn. I just want it all to end. I want it to be over. And I want to know who’s been tormenting me all of this time. I had asked the question, to a voice inside of my head. “In the name of Jesus, tell me your name!” And I got a reply too: “I’m an angel of death”.

Is that real? Is it me? How do you test that? I used to believe you were God talking to me, telling me what to do. But then I realized God doesn’t lie, and you lied.

Now there’s another voice, telling me something different. “You still have the will to live”. “You don’t want to die”. That just makes me want to die all the more. I want answers, I want to know who’s doing this. I’m sick, I don’t deny I’m sick. But I never used to be sick. I was never sick until I became a Christian. And met her…

As I lay there, remembering various things from my life, things from my early childhood, I know I probably am going to die. I half-heartedly try to stay awake, with the imaginary machine that is only in my mind humming in a room overlooking the Amish Countryside.

I’m losing consciousness now, it’s happening. I’m going to be gone soon. I know I won’t be in Heaven, but I’ll have my answers. I can’t wait to tell God how much I hate him. And Satan too, I hate all of them. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I died on a Friday, just like Jesus.

Sunday morning I wake up. Just like Jesus. I’m still in my bed. I get out of bed. I fall down. I crawl to the bathroom. I drink some water.

I go back into my room. It looks like I got sick after all, from the looks of the room. In fact it looks like I got violently sick. Things are thrown all over the room. I don’t remember doing that. There’s the pill bottles. My glasses are right there on the chair next to the bed. They aren’t dust anymore.

I call my sister. I tell her I tried to kill myself. She yells a bit and then tells me to check into a hospital right now. I say “sure” with no intention of doing it. My dog’s hungry. So am I.

It takes the whole day to start coming back to reality. Finally I take a drive, get a Quarter Pounder with Cheese at the McDonalds in Gap. I like those things, Hell probably doesn’t have Quarter Pounders with Cheese, I think idly.

I drive back home, passing some Amish families taking their Sunday drives, most of them smile and wave. I really love those people. I guess life’s not always so bad.

I detail everything to my Psychologist. He doesn’t know the answer either. “I know you have an illness” he says, “but how can I assure you these things aren’t really happening?” as we try yet another medication to stop the torment and clear my mind.

He was so excited when he diagnosed me. He actually brought a book from home to read to me when he found the answer to his own question as to what was wrong with me. But he couldn’t tell me it wasn’t true. “When you get into God and the devil” he said, “I can’t say as a person of faith that these things can’t happen because they can. And you know that. Which means you could make it up in your mind too.”

Whatever. She’s going to marry someone else. I quickly decide to take another job, a standing offer that’s halfway across the country. I don’t want to be here anymore. I love this place but I’m going to move now…

I hope my “angel of death” doesn’t follow me across the country. I hope he finds a place to stay in Amish country. I hope I’m just sick, and I get better.

She does get married, my heart is broken. Maybe that will heal me though, I wonder. Maybe it will all get better now. My now massive case file is transferred to another psychologist. I don’t want to kill myself anymore. I love my new job too.

I’m just sick.

My sister calls, a few weeks into my new job and new life. “Did you hear what happened to those kids in Lancaster?”

True story…